if you could paint your current mood onto a canvas, what would that painting look like? what would it depict?

i remember doing this once.  it was halloween.  i had worked all day and i was furious - furious - to be at home.  i wanted to go trick-or-treating.  is it so much to ask as a grown adult to want to dress up, goof around with friends, and eat candy?  but no.  that isn't what adults do on halloween.  adults take their kids trick-or-treating and negotiate their favorite candy bar as a fee.  adults go to a loud party with strobe lights.  adults drink spooky (alcoholic) punch until they can't see straight.

being an adult is one of the stupidest ideas i can come up with.  who thought that up?

that night, sitting cross-legged on the bedroom floor, not caring if i spilled paint on the awful green rug, i painted.  i've always loved to paint.  i hate the clean-up, and i never want to do anything with the paintings, but oh!  i love the feeling of spreading color across the canvas!

that night, my colors were red, grey, with a tinge on yellow.  and black.  i was so angry.  i felt like death and abandonment and fury and none of it should have mattered, but all of it did.

this is that painting.

i wish i could say that i never feel that way anymore, that illogical, unnerving, selfish flurry of rage, but i feel it often.  i am a negative person; i am an angry person.  i am a girl trapped in a ragged tower, meat for carrion, and a heart filled with red-hot, self-inflicted agony.  i am behind the pentagram, a shadow under the pale autumn moon, the blood seeping from the rocks.

i keep hoping the wind will take me away, but it doesn't.  most days, i still feel like this.